I've been almost convinced that this day would never come...but it did. Today at 4:00pm I got my keys!! The house is now officially mine! At 4:30pm I met the RC Willey guys at my house and they dropped off the appliances. At 8:00am tomorrow we will pack up all my stuff and move it to the new house.
I'm excited. I'm sad to leave Jared and Wendee's house. It has become a home for me. But, I'm excited to create my own home. I'm sad to leave Kaysville - I grew up here and I think it may always be home to me. But, I'm also excited to live in a new place. I'm excited to have my own kitchen and my own laundry room and my own bathtub. I'm a little worried about having a mortgage payment (especially since I haven't even been paying rent). I will actually have to pay attention to the things I spend money on. I am so glad this whole rotten process is over!! No more stress, no more waiting, no more games...just my house. Time for a new adventure in this crazy thing called life. Maybe it will start to settle down a little bit...
Friday, July 17, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
CLOSING!!!
Today was a big day! I signed my life away and closed on my house today! I just don't even know what to think anymore! I am relieved and excited and so glad that whole process is over! It's been the biggest joke of my life! I still have to wait a few days to get the keys. I should have them on Friday morning and then - it's a moving party!! I haven't even started thinking about packing everything up to move. I should probably get on that.
A short story about how easily I cry: My dad was super organized...in his own way. His office pretty much looked like a mess (Aaron and Jared can tell you - they've been trying to wade through that mess). But, my dad always knew where everything was. For example, when I need a bunch of documents to get a home loan, I simply went to my dad and listed all the things I needed. He pulled everything out of various folders in his filing cabinet - things like bank statements and W-2s, etc. Well, my mom got a bank statement of mine in the mail a few days ago. It has been sitting at her house just waiting for me to take it home. Every time I've left she's reminded me to take "that letter" home. Tonight she finally told me that if I didn't want it, I needed to just throw it away. I started to explain that it's not that I don't want it, it's just that dad used to collect them and put them in a special place. I started to cry. I didn't expect it, it just happened...like it does so often. I realized that if I took that bank statement home, I would have to find a place for it. I don't have a place for it - my dad has the place for it. I guess when I move into my new house I will have to be sure and have a place for things like that. Then maybe they won't make me cry.
A short story about how easily I cry: My dad was super organized...in his own way. His office pretty much looked like a mess (Aaron and Jared can tell you - they've been trying to wade through that mess). But, my dad always knew where everything was. For example, when I need a bunch of documents to get a home loan, I simply went to my dad and listed all the things I needed. He pulled everything out of various folders in his filing cabinet - things like bank statements and W-2s, etc. Well, my mom got a bank statement of mine in the mail a few days ago. It has been sitting at her house just waiting for me to take it home. Every time I've left she's reminded me to take "that letter" home. Tonight she finally told me that if I didn't want it, I needed to just throw it away. I started to explain that it's not that I don't want it, it's just that dad used to collect them and put them in a special place. I started to cry. I didn't expect it, it just happened...like it does so often. I realized that if I took that bank statement home, I would have to find a place for it. I don't have a place for it - my dad has the place for it. I guess when I move into my new house I will have to be sure and have a place for things like that. Then maybe they won't make me cry.
Monday, July 13, 2009
One Month
It's been one month today. I feel like it's been forever and at the same time I feel like it was just yesterday. I would say I'm doing fairly well, considering. I have my moments, but I'm allowed. I feel like the past 50 posts have been about my dad and my hard time dealing with his absence. So today will be an update on everything else.
I will maybe get to close (again) on my house on Wednesday. I'm not holding my breath and I'm getting excited until I have the keys. If I don't get to close on Wednesday, I won't get to close until next week. Jared co-singed with me and he will be leaving out of town on Thursday. I really hope it works out on Wednesday and I can be DONE and enjoy my house!
Work is about to get super crazy. Tomorrow is the deadline for our soccer registration. I love it when the days are busy because the time just goes by so fast! I get there in the morning and before I know it, it's time to go home!
I'm officially the world's worst friend. I found out late last week that I will not be able to attend Natalie's wedding. It is the same day my brother Chris will graduate from basic training in the Air Force. My mom thinks it's so important that we all be there to support him that she is flying us all to Texas to attend the graduation festivities. It should be fun, but my heart breaks knowing I won't be there for Natalie. When I told her on the phone, she sounded pretty upset. I can honestly say I don't blame her. I know what it's like to find out that someone you love will not be there for the biggest day of your life. It's tough stuff.
I made an appointment to see an ear specialist about my ear. I still have no hearing. Really, I'm used to it. It's annoying and I'm sure it's awkward when I have to turn all the way around to hear someone, but I can manage. I figure it won't hurt anything to talk to one more doctor. If he says there's nothing I can do, I will just live with it. But hopefully he'll at least be able to tell me why I can't hear out of the ear anymore.
I've injured my hip somehow. Last week I came up the stair after getting ready for the day and it started hurting. It hurt worse and worse as the day went on. It still hurts today! I don't know what I did. I did go running that morning it started hurting, but it didn't hurt at all while I was out. I will try to run again tomorrow. Hopefully it doesn't hurt too bad to run. Maybe I'll be able to loosen it up and stretch it out or something.
I will maybe get to close (again) on my house on Wednesday. I'm not holding my breath and I'm getting excited until I have the keys. If I don't get to close on Wednesday, I won't get to close until next week. Jared co-singed with me and he will be leaving out of town on Thursday. I really hope it works out on Wednesday and I can be DONE and enjoy my house!
Work is about to get super crazy. Tomorrow is the deadline for our soccer registration. I love it when the days are busy because the time just goes by so fast! I get there in the morning and before I know it, it's time to go home!
I'm officially the world's worst friend. I found out late last week that I will not be able to attend Natalie's wedding. It is the same day my brother Chris will graduate from basic training in the Air Force. My mom thinks it's so important that we all be there to support him that she is flying us all to Texas to attend the graduation festivities. It should be fun, but my heart breaks knowing I won't be there for Natalie. When I told her on the phone, she sounded pretty upset. I can honestly say I don't blame her. I know what it's like to find out that someone you love will not be there for the biggest day of your life. It's tough stuff.
I made an appointment to see an ear specialist about my ear. I still have no hearing. Really, I'm used to it. It's annoying and I'm sure it's awkward when I have to turn all the way around to hear someone, but I can manage. I figure it won't hurt anything to talk to one more doctor. If he says there's nothing I can do, I will just live with it. But hopefully he'll at least be able to tell me why I can't hear out of the ear anymore.
I've injured my hip somehow. Last week I came up the stair after getting ready for the day and it started hurting. It hurt worse and worse as the day went on. It still hurts today! I don't know what I did. I did go running that morning it started hurting, but it didn't hurt at all while I was out. I will try to run again tomorrow. Hopefully it doesn't hurt too bad to run. Maybe I'll be able to loosen it up and stretch it out or something.
Monday, July 6, 2009
A Lesson In Grief
I spoke with someone today who said something that I felt was rather inappropriate. I know that this person was not trying to be hurtful. They were just trying to help. They have not had the devastating experience of losing a loved one and I'm pretty sure they just didn't know what to say. This note is in response. It is written for those who aren't sure what to say:
A Lesson In Grief:
Grief is an interesting thing. It is something different to every person. Everyone in my family lost someone they love - a husband, a father, a papa. Every one of us has dealt with this amazing loss differently. I think that's part of what makes grief so hard. There are no rules. There are no time lines. The process is different for everyone. I lost my father, but that doesn't mean I know how someone else who has also lost their father feels. I know how I feel and I can relate, but I will never know how they feel. I am not them. No one will ever know how I am feeling. But, that doesn't mean they can't help. We've been commanded to mourn with those that mourn. We have not been commanded or instructed to fix the mourning. No one can fix it. No one can say anything to take the hurt away. No one will fill that void.
Grief is not predictable...at least it has not been for me. I cry - some days more than others. I cry in the morning. I cry at night. I cry at work. I cry in the care. I cry in the shower. I've even cried while running. I think that crying is important. I would probably be a wreck if I tried not to cry. My mom said that someday I will get a point when I won't cry. Unfortunately, that day has not come yet.
I have a hard time thinking that things will ever get back to "normal." Really, they can't. My "normal" is gone. I have to create a whole new "normal." And so far I haven't been super successful. It's still very hard for me to go to work. Once I'm at work it's really hard for me to care enough about things to be productive. I have a hard time at church. I don't like to be around too many people for too long. Change is hard and this is a big change. It's going to take me a while to get used to it.
These are some things that help - at least for me:
- Hugs. I don't think I could ever get too many.
- Knowing someone is there and that they care. This knowledge can come from a note, a card, or a phone call - even if you have to leave a message because I ignore the call on purpose.
- Patience. Like I said before - I don't know how long this is going to be this hard!
- Prayers. Is there anything greater? The strength that come from our Heavenly Father is the only thing that has gotten me this far.
- Invitation. I am having a hard time being with people and getting out. It's good to have a little extra push. But, if I decide I'm not ready, don't be offended. My mom told me that grieving is hard work. Sometimes it's all I can do to make it through the day.
I know that I will be okay. I know that my dad is in a better place. I know this is all part of the plan. I know the church is true with all my heart and I know will get to be with my dad forever. But for now I am grieving, and I'm doing my best!
A Lesson In Grief:
Grief is an interesting thing. It is something different to every person. Everyone in my family lost someone they love - a husband, a father, a papa. Every one of us has dealt with this amazing loss differently. I think that's part of what makes grief so hard. There are no rules. There are no time lines. The process is different for everyone. I lost my father, but that doesn't mean I know how someone else who has also lost their father feels. I know how I feel and I can relate, but I will never know how they feel. I am not them. No one will ever know how I am feeling. But, that doesn't mean they can't help. We've been commanded to mourn with those that mourn. We have not been commanded or instructed to fix the mourning. No one can fix it. No one can say anything to take the hurt away. No one will fill that void.
Grief is not predictable...at least it has not been for me. I cry - some days more than others. I cry in the morning. I cry at night. I cry at work. I cry in the care. I cry in the shower. I've even cried while running. I think that crying is important. I would probably be a wreck if I tried not to cry. My mom said that someday I will get a point when I won't cry. Unfortunately, that day has not come yet.
I have a hard time thinking that things will ever get back to "normal." Really, they can't. My "normal" is gone. I have to create a whole new "normal." And so far I haven't been super successful. It's still very hard for me to go to work. Once I'm at work it's really hard for me to care enough about things to be productive. I have a hard time at church. I don't like to be around too many people for too long. Change is hard and this is a big change. It's going to take me a while to get used to it.
These are some things that help - at least for me:
- Hugs. I don't think I could ever get too many.
- Knowing someone is there and that they care. This knowledge can come from a note, a card, or a phone call - even if you have to leave a message because I ignore the call on purpose.
- Patience. Like I said before - I don't know how long this is going to be this hard!
- Prayers. Is there anything greater? The strength that come from our Heavenly Father is the only thing that has gotten me this far.
- Invitation. I am having a hard time being with people and getting out. It's good to have a little extra push. But, if I decide I'm not ready, don't be offended. My mom told me that grieving is hard work. Sometimes it's all I can do to make it through the day.
I know that I will be okay. I know that my dad is in a better place. I know this is all part of the plan. I know the church is true with all my heart and I know will get to be with my dad forever. But for now I am grieving, and I'm doing my best!
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